{"id":3660,"date":"2021-12-02T16:23:31","date_gmt":"2021-12-02T16:23:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/?p=3660"},"modified":"2021-12-02T16:23:34","modified_gmt":"2021-12-02T16:23:34","slug":"my-boyfriend-wont-stop-hooking-up-on-grindr","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/?p=3660","title":{"rendered":"My boyfriend won\u2019t stop hooking up on Grindr"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Hi Jake<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I met a great guy on Grindr. It was supposed to be just a hookup but we ended up getting to know each other and now it\u2019s been about four months. It feels like a relationship. We hold hands, we cook dinner together, and, even during social distancing, we are still going out walking in the neighborhood. But he still goes on Grindr a lot. He says he\u2019s just going on to chat, but most guys aren\u2019t on there just to \u201cchat.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few weeks ago, he showed me a guy who wanted to have a three-way. I really wasn\u2019t into it. An hour later, I noticed he was still on Grindr after he left my house, but his location wasn\u2019t very far away and his profile picture was next to the guy he was talking about earlier. The next day he admitted that he hooked up with him. I was extremely upset and we came to an understanding that we would only play with others together.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I said, we\u2019re not in a real relationship, even though we act like a couple. He doesn\u2019t refer to me as his boyfriend but does say we are dating, and when I asked him if he was hooking up with anybody else, he said no. Yet he\u2019s always on Grindr!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fast forward again. He wanted to have another three-way and showed me some guy. After he left my house, I saw he was next to the guy on Grindr. I texted him immediately and asked what he was doing. He said it was just a coincidence and that nobody was next to him.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I wrong? How do I move past this? Or do I accept that we\u2019re not in a relationship and I\u2019m wanting too much when he\u2019s clearly not looking for commitment? My heart and brain don\u2019t see the match.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sincerely,<\/strong>
Confused and Conflicted<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Confused and Conflicted,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationships can be tricky to navigate, but one thing that\u2019s for sure is that both parties in a couple need to be on the same page when it comes to the rules of monogamy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even though you say it\u2019s not a \u201creal\u201d relationship, the tenants of clear communication still stand. It\u2019s great that after you found out that he hooked up with someone else, you realized that it bothered you and had a conversation about being exclusive. Now it\u2019s up to both of you to stick to those rules, otherwise, they need to be renegotiated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you aren\u2019t into having threesomes, you should probably let him know. And if he still wants to wade in the Grindr pool, he should be honest about that too. (Side note: Should anyone really be hooking up on Grindr during a pandemic?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, the basis of a relationship is trust. He admitted in the past he hooked up with someone else, but that was before you talked and set the rules. Ask yourself if he\u2019s ever given you a true reason not to trust him, and if not, move forward as if he is being truthful. If you\u2019re pretty sure he\u2019s being dishonest, you may need to have a conversation to ask him again how he feels about commitment, and possibly renegotiate the rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can\u2019t make your partner commit to anything he isn\u2019t ready for. If ultimately, he\u2019s not into the kind of relationship you want, then you have a choice. You can either decide you\u2019re okay with something lighter and non-committal, or you may want something more serious at this time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If he\u2019s not on the same page, it might be time to move on. You deserve to have what you want, and you won\u2019t be able to simply ignore feelings of hurt or betrayal if you\u2019re feeling them. Make sure you aren\u2019t settling for less just because the pickings are limited right now. You don\u2019t want to stay in a relationship and feel resentful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking through things here seems imperative. Make a point to sit down, hash out your feelings authentically, and confirm that you are both on the same page. If he\u2019s not the right guy for you, you\u2019ll be making space for one that is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You deserve it all,
Jake<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space<\/a> , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters\u2019s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Give LGBTQ Therapy Space on follow on social!
LGBTQ Therapy Space Instagram<\/a>
LGBTQ Therapy Space Facebook<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi Jake I met a great guy on Grindr. It was supposed to be just a hookup but we ended up getting to know each other and now it\u2019s been about four months. It feels like a relationship. We hold hands, we cook dinner together, and, even during social distancing, we are still going out walking<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":3661,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3660","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-sexrelationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3660","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3660"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3660\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3661"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3660"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3660"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/4guysmagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3660"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}