Everyone should eat ass in Paris. On a recent trip, a friend and I walked the city all day, then went home to shower and get ready for dinner. I found him lying on the bed, reading a French edition of The Year of Magical Thinking<\/em> by Joan Didion. Instead of spooning him, I told him I wanted to give him a rimjob. He nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Later, we talked about it \u2014 because it\u2019s always a good idea to talk about sex: what felt good, what didn\u2019t, and what surprised us. That kind of conversation is part of aftercare, and it\u2019s too often skipped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We laughed about how rimming has become an internet joke. I mentioned that viral line from Jessica Lange in The Politician<\/em>: \u201cThat\u2019s what gays do \u2014 munch butts and celebrate Halloween!\u201d It became a meme. But in the moment, butt munching didn\u2019t feel like something silly. It was perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As gay men, we grow up with poop jokes and a lot of shame about our bodies. To enjoy something like rimming means confronting that shame \u2014 it takes trust, curiosity, and a willingness to let go. That\u2019s what makes a good rim job both transgressive and tender: It challenges cultural rules about what bodies are for and where pleasure belongs. On the other side of shame is joy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A good rim job is an art. It can feel ecstatic \u2014 or awkward. Like all sex acts, it\u2019s part technique and part passion. Here are some tips, with support from experts and medically reviewed sources, on how to do it well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A quick shower will probably make you and your sex partner more comfortable \u2014 and washing off the outside of your butt is hygienic. There are digestive bacteria found in the anus, as well as bugs like E. coli<\/em> and Salmonella<\/em>, which can make you sick \u2014 and if you are rimming vagina owners, take extra care to avoid spreading anything from the butt into the vaginal canal, as this can cause infection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you choose to douche before being rimmed \u2014 and some do \u2014 don\u2019t overdo it, and take your time. Hold the water in for a few seconds, then release. Writing for VICE<\/em><\/u><\/a>, Gina Tonic says that, in lieu of formal douching lessons, you can always watch Sex Education<\/em><\/u><\/a>,<\/em> series 2, episode 6. Tonic summarizes what the TV character Rahim explains about douching: \u201cSquat, squirt, hold, and release.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Douching can be done with one-time disposable enemas<\/u><\/a> available in many U.S. pharmacies, but many gay men invest in a sturdier douching bulb<\/u><\/a>, typically made of silicone, or even a shower hose attachment<\/u><\/a> \u2014 use it on a low setting with lukewarm water, please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But truthfully, unless you\u2019re planning to have penetrative sex afterward and want to be clean for that<\/em>, douching for rimming is unnecessary \u2014 a quick rinse on the outside of your butt and hole, with soap and water, is fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are many articles online about douching and anal sex. I wrote this one for <\/u>Out<\/em><\/u><\/a>, which was sponsored by the gay men\u2019s sexual health and proctology clinic Bespoke Surgical<\/u><\/a> \u2014 its founder and CEO, Dr. Evan Goldstein, also started the brand Future Method<\/u><\/a>, which sells medically-sanctioned douching kits and bottoming supplies that he argues are safer than products found in most sex novelty shops. (He also wrote a book on butt health<\/u><\/a>, primarily for men who have sex with men.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n I also wrote this bottoming and douching guide<\/u><\/a> for The Advocate<\/em>, along with this two-part<\/u><\/a> guide<\/u><\/a> for Them<\/em>. But don\u2019t just ask me: This Healthline<\/em><\/u> article<\/u><\/a>, reviewed by a medical professional, is a good primer on safe douching and anal care. In slightly less sterile and more queer-friendly language, here\u2019s a similar safety guide from the San Francisco AIDS Foundation<\/u><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you choose to douche \u2014 for rimming or more \u2014 don\u2019t douche too much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In my experience, a lot of guys just don\u2019t care that douching is unnecessary for an ass-eating session \u2014 they need the ritual to feel clean and comfortable. That\u2019s OK.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rectal douching shouldn\u2019t be done too often, as it\u2019s linked to higher rates of HIV and STI transmission<\/u><\/a>, either from injury caused by unsafe douching and enema use, or because douching can cause dryness in the rectum, leading to small tears (sometimes called \u201cfissures\u201d). Experts aren\u2019t fully certain why; they observe correlation, not causality. It\u2019s clear, however, that water in the gut can upset the gut biome and cause gastrointestinal problems<\/u><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is why I recommend all bottoms \u2014 and anyone who douches regularly \u2014 take a daily probiotic supplement. (I recommend Dr. Ohhira\u2019s Original Formula Probiotics<\/u><\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n In summary: If you\u2019re just rimming, just take a shower. If you\u2019re using rimming as foreplay for further anal sex, don\u2019t rush it, and listen to your body. Discomfort, cramping, and pain are all signs to stop douching immediately. You might have to lie down on your side in the shower to release trapped water, or massage your belly to let it all out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pro tip: If you choose to douche, don\u2019t start rimming directly afterward. It\u2019s best to wait a bit so any trapped water has time to leave your system \u2014 no one wants an unexpected splash mid-session.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Good gut health equals good butt health. Experts agree that diet plays a massive role in how easy (and clean) sex can be. Lean meats, fruits, vegetables, and fiber all help your body do its job naturally. The food you eat determines how gassy you are, how comfortable your stomach feels, and how regular your bowel movements are. Fiber supplements like Metamucil<\/u><\/a> are highly recommended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Overdouching often replaces what a balanced diet does more gently \u2014 letting your body handle the cleanup first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Worse, overdouching irritates your GI system, often creating a vicious feedback loop: Irritated bowels require longer cleaning sessions to feel \u201cdone,\u201d which further irritates your bowels. If you find that you\u2019re consistently struggling to get clean before anal play, it\u2019s likely something in your diet (or possibly an STI<\/u><\/a>). Talk to a doctor \u2014 they might recommend keeping a food diary and trying a short-term elimination diet to identify the issue. And take a break from douching for a bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Want recipes and advice on low-inflammatory, bottom-friendly foods? The Bottom\u2019s Digest<\/u><\/a> by food expert Alex Hall and his husband, Mike, is a treasure trove of bottom-friendly recipes, resources, and bottoming education, primarily geared toward queer people and men who have sex with men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people like things fresh-out-of-the-shower clean. Others crave the natural scent and taste of a sweaty, musky butt. There\u2019s no right way, but if rimming is on the table, talk about your preferences with your partner first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve served ass to guys who beg me not to douche or even shower beforehand. No problem for me, but when I rim someone else, I like him to have at least a quick rinse first. It\u2019s just personal preference. Communicating this ahead of time saves you both from awkward moments later. If you like the same thing, great. If you don\u2019t, no sweat \u2014 there are plenty of other ways to have fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sex is best when everyone feels comfortable \u2014 which means respecting preferences without judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Explore patterns, shapes, and rhythms with your tongue, and alternate between the butthole and the hypersensitive area around it. Use your breath \u2014 cool exhales, warm sighs \u2014 to tease and heighten sensation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unsurprisingly, there are many articles warning readers about the risks of rimming \u2014 but almost none about how to do it well. Thankfully, there\u2019s this very horny piece in <\/u>LA Weekly<\/em><\/u> by Sam Phillips<\/u><\/a>. Phillips advises: \u201cUse your tongue. Lay it flat to lick, flick, rub, and push against the general backside region, or you can make it stiff and hard to penetrate, probe, tap, and trace the anal rim.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I like to flatten my tongue and just wipe up, like I\u2019m cleaning him off \u2014 like a lioness cleaning her cub.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s not just about licking. Variety is key. Phillips writes: \u201cUse your lips. Kiss and suck the asshole, taint, inner thighs, crack of the ass, buttocks, lower back, and the back of the legs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I second that: just like with a mouth, I like to start with gentle lip kisses and slowly work my tongue in \u2014 before diving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can involve other parts of your body, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as I did in Paris: \u201cUse your hands and fingers. Probe the rectum and pull apart the butt cheeks. You also can reach around from behind and fondle the front genitals,\u201d writes Phillips.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A light beard or stubble can add texture, though some partners might find it too rough. If you\u2019re unsure whether your partner likes what you\u2019re doing, ask. It\u2019s hot to be asked what feels good \u2014 it shows care and attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your partner enjoys it, gentle suction or light pressure from teeth can add contrast, but never bite or chew. The skin around the anus is thin and delicate. Think soft, teasing movements, not aggression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t focus only on the butthole. The surrounding skin, taint, and cheeks are full of nerve endings that deserve attention. Rimming works best when you explore the whole area, not just one spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If the missionary position is the staple of p-in-v sex, doggy style is the holy grail for rimmers. \u201cIt\u2019s comfortable, you get a good view of what you\u2019re up to, and plenty of space to touch elsewhere,\u201d writes Tonic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My favorite position for rimming isn\u2019t quite doggy style: I like him to lie down fully flat, on his belly. I gently slide my arms under his groin until his hips rest on my forearms and my face is fully immersed in ass. From that position, I can reach my hands around to pull apart his cheeks if I want to get deeper \u2014 and he can just lie back and enjoy it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rimming carries some risk of transmitting infections like hepatitis A, gonorrhea, or herpes. Freddie<\/u><\/a>, a Canadian organization committed to competent sexual health for queer people, offers helpful primers on a range of topics \u2014 including a list of STIs<\/u><\/a> that can be transmitted through rimming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One important thing to note: HIV is not transmitted through rimming, whether you\u2019re giving or receiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dental dams exist for protection, though many people skip them. The best safety measure is regular STI testing and honest communication. Men who have sex with men who have multiple sex partners should get STI screenings more often \u2014 the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends every three to six months<\/u><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pleasure and responsibility can \u2014 and must \u2014 coexist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Trimming or shaving around the area can make things smoother \u2014 literally. It also prevents getting a butt hair caught in someone\u2019s teeth. Trimming or shaving isn\u2019t required, but I prefer rimming a buzzed butt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Go slow, use gentle shaving cream or gel, and if possible, ask your partner to help. Just be careful: Nicks in that area are not fun. Pro tip: The Philips OneBlade trimmer<\/u><\/a> has a guard for body grooming designed to prevent nicks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another pro tip: Many guys use hair removal creams, also called depilatories. (Nair<\/u><\/a> is a common brand.) These work<\/u><\/a>, but they tend to burn and irritate the delicate tissue around the anus. I used to use them and don\u2019t anymore for this reason: They can actually make the rim job (or whatever comes next) painful afterward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rimming needs auditory feedback \u2014 after all, the rimmer can\u2019t see<\/em> the person they\u2019re rimming very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dirty talk is great with rimming \u2014 and, believe it or not, here\u2019s a medically reviewed guide about bringing more dirty talk into the bedroom<\/u><\/a> without crossing boundaries or breaking consent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A moan, a breath, a groan, a gasp, or just a small movement tells your partner everything they need to know. Don\u2019t hold back. Get loud and enjoy it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My name is Alexander Cheves. I write about sex, feelings, music, and men. You can read my column <\/em>Last Call<\/a><\/em> in Out Magazine, along with my digital advice column, <\/em>Go Ask Alex<\/a>. If you have a question, send it to askbeastly@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe person getting a rim job should hop in the shower first<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
What you eat matters<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Hygiene is a personal choice<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Use your tongue<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
But, it\u2019s not all about the tongue<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Get in position<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Be risk-aware<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
A little grooming goes a long way<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Just let go<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Just a heads up!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n