Move over tops and bottoms!
Make way, another sexual position option for the gays is breaking into the public consciousness.
We’re talking about being a “side.”
But what is a side? “The word side was originally coined by gay sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort, who himself is a side,” Grindr’s sex and relationships expert, Zachary Zane, tells PRIDE. Side was added to the dating app Grindr in 2022 and Zane explains that the app defines it the same way Dr. Kort does as “a queer man who doesn’t like or engage in anal penetration. He’s not a ‘top,’ ‘bottom,’ or ‘vers.’ Rather, he prefers everything on ‘the side,’ so this includes oral sex, making out, eating ass, giving one another handjobs, and so on.”
This is also sometimes referred to as “outercourse,” Dr. Michael Grey, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified sexologist tells PRIDE. “It differs because these sexual positions top, bottom, verse still engage in anal penetration in some form or fashion,” he continues. And there are plenty of bedroom activities that sides to enjoy. “They engage in oral sex, masturbation, rimming, hugging, kissing, manual or friction techniques like frotting,” says Dr. Grey.
Comedian Michael Henry even did an entire sketch on the phenomenon of doing “everything but butt.” The clip is as informative as it is hilarious.
“Finally! The concept of anal sex not being the end-all-be-all for gay men needs to be more widely embraced,” one of the comments on Henry’s video reads. Another viewer wrote, “Finally, a term for it. I’ve wasted so much time over the years trying to explain and justify it. This is a leap forward in gay evolution.”
If people feel more empowered with their desires, more power to them!
Why do some LGBTQ+ people identify that way?
There are many reasons why someone might be drawn to identifying as a side, Zane explains. “For example, they fear poop, or they find bottoming a painful and unpleasant experience,” he says. “Note that being a side doesn’t make you any less gay than being a dom top or a power bottom. Often, sides struggle with not feeling ‘gay enough’ because they don’t like or partake in anal penetration, but there is so much to sex than penetration.”
“There is still a lot of stigma about being a side and a lot of rejection from the gay community,” adds Dr. Grey.
It was, in part, because of this phenomenon that Grindr hopes to push back on with inclusion of the word. “Grindr decided to include side as an option to be more inclusive and so sides can connect more easily. At Grindr, we want everyone to engage in the sex they want to have without shame, and adding side as an option helps with that mission,” explains Zane.
There can also be medical reasons for why a queer person may prefer not to engage in penetration. “There are some men who suffer from anodyspareunia, a condition that causes pain or discomfort during receptive anal sex, therefore instead of hurting, some people choose to engage in non-penetrative sexual engagements, while others do not find penetration fulfilling.”
Thankfully, as the concept of identifying as a “side” becomes more widely known, more LGBTQ+ folks are also learning it’s the right fit for them, asCourt Vox, a certified somatic sex educator, and founder of The BodyVox, tells PRIDE. “It’s often underrepresented, but many folks — especially queer men — realize they’re sides once they feel permission to name it,” he explains.”There are also those who really don’t enjoy penetrative sex at all, and being a side is a part of their erotic signature.”
How common is it to be a side in the the LGBTQ+ community?
Tops, bottoms, and verse lovers may get most of the attention, but there are plenty of sides living and loving alongside them. While sex and relationships expert Tim Lagman tells PRIDE that it’s difficult to quantify and more studies are needed, there is some data to support the frequency of being a side. “A 2011 study from George Mason University surveyed nearly 25,000 gay and bisexual men about their sexual practices, and anal sex came up at only 37%. That means the other 63% preferred sexual activities associated with being a side,” says Lagman. “While this study is unclear about how many participants identify as sides, they may be more common than we think.”
Do any famous LGBTQ+ folks identify as sides?
After Grindr rolled out its new position, people began coming out about being side-identified, including Drag Race star Bosco, who tweeted that perhaps anal is not for every queer person. Fellow drag stars Kandy Muse and DeJa Skype commented in agreement.
Bosco wasn’t alone; Kerri Colby has also opened up about being side-identified. “I was today years old when I learned that I don’t identify as a top or a bottom,” Colby wrote in a since-deleted tweet in December 2022. “But as a side.” She offered some much-needed edits to the definition, sending a second tweet swapping out the “a homosexual male” portion of the definition for “a person.”
Where in the world are the sides?
Looking for a side? According to Grindr’s 2024 Wrapped, your best bet is in Singapore, which ranked number one for percentage of users who identify as a side, followed by the Philippines, Japan, New Zealand, and Australia.
How do sides have safe sex?
While penetration might be off the table, safe sex definitely isn’t! One thing Dr. Grey emphasizes is that you can still contract STIs even without penetration. His advice:
– Regular testing: “If you’re engaging in oral sex, or contact with genitals, or the anus, it’s important to be mindful and maintain regular STI screenings to ensure that you’re aware of your status.”
– Explore PrEP: “Consider pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) to prevent the contraction of HIV, or Doxycycline Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (Doxy-PEP) to reduce the contraction of STIs.”
– Use barrier protection: “Using a barrier such as a dental dam, or condom may be an option when engaging in sexual encounters.
– Seek medical advice for more specificity: “As always, talk to your doctor, and I suggest finding an affirming LGBTQ+ doctor or medical professional who can address unique factors within the LGBTQ+ community. Most LGBTQ+ centers have medical staff that can help.”
Finally, as with any sexual interaction, communication and consent are essential for sides as Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad.se emphasizes to PRIDE. “Side sex isn’t any ‘milder’ than anal, and there’s plenty of things that a side might not be into, so always make sure everything that happens is enjoyable for both!” she says.
