Before we get into this somewhat unconventional topic, there’s one important step to take: leave concepts like “gay,” “bi”, or “queer” behind. Orientation isn’t what matters. What matters is that intercourse between men is awesome, beautiful, and passionate. It’s also difficult to imagine having it if you’re still a virgin. We cover different kinds of sex, issues around safety, and other important aspects in this article.
It is normal to be nervous or even scared. Here are ten things you should know before losing your gay virginity.
1. You Need Safe Access to Medical Care
If you’re under 18, you probably can’t conceal your medical history from your parents. Depending on the country where you live, patient privacy laws might apply only to adults. It’s best to wait if this isn’t something you want to share with your parents or caregivers. Admittedly, this is an issue all minors must face, not just gay males.
However, they (we) are at the highest risk of STIs, including uncurable ones like HIV. This means men who have sex with biological males and transgender women have an additional responsibility to bear.
You need to be able to get tested in every event. If you’re underage, a testing site might not be readily accessible. For teens, it can be quite hard to be tested and treated for an STI.
2. Be Emotionally Ready
After a certain age, we’re all physically ready for sex. When it comes to being emotionally prepared, it’s a different story. Of all things in life, sex is one of the most emotional ones. If you’re not ready, you might be using sex as a form of self-expression. Imagine having to explain to a religious family about what you’re doing. Does it feel petrifying? Perhaps you’re not ready for it.
Going to the other extreme is no good either. Very few can truly boast that they have everything figured out and are completely comfortable with who they are. However, ask yourself if you’re prepared to experiment, get started with this adventure, and face any challenges that come your way.
3. Having sex With Another man Doesn’t (automatically) Make You Gay
Some men who sleep with other men are bi. Some don’t know what they are and that’s ok. Don’t worry about labels and concepts. When you’re ready, you’ll find the right word. Until then, have no qualms about experiencing and experimenting with sexual activities.
4. Forget the Porn You Watched
Not that there’s anything wrong with porn…just don’t expect it to show you what sex is really like. It is a fantasy – unrealistic, edited, cleaned up. In real life, no one has sex like that. On a related note, don’t rush into things, especially things like anal sex.
It might not work the first time around. It requires a lot of patience and trust when you’re just starting out, not to mention plenty of lube. Don’t think it’ll be amazing the very first time.
Take your time. Give and get a hand job, a blow job, or just spend some time making out. Hugging, massaging, and kissing are all great ways to start. Once you have some experience with that, you can try sex toys to relax a bit more. Real feel dildos can be amazing.
5. Not Knowing What You Want is Fine
While some people believe they know their sexual needs perfectly, it’s rarely the case. If you’re a virgin, it can’t be the case. You can be unsure even if you’ve been sexually active for many, many years.
Fantasies are one thing, but transforming them into reality can be difficult, if not impossible. Even if you manage, you might feel disappointed. You just don’t know how the things that arouse you will translate to your personal experience and your partner.
In sum, few people know what they want when they get started. Experience is what will help you learn.
6. Bottoming Might Hurt
Returning to anal – yes, it will probably hurt the first time. If you don’t use enough lube and go too fast, you might be in pain. Take it gently and slowly, use lots of silicone- or oil-based lube, and take a break as often as needed. Once you put the lube on, wait at least a few minutes for it to take effect. It won’t do so immediately.
And yes, you’ll find lots of terms coming your way, like ‘bottoming.’ If you come across something unfamiliar, don’t be afraid to ask what it means. If someone mocks your ignorance or refuses to explain, they’re not right for you.
Basically, the partner on “top” is the active one during anal, and the one on the “bottom” receives. Tops don’t have to be dominant or masculine, nor do bottoms have to be feminine, submissive, or smaller. The roles only define what you’re doing sexually, not your way of life, your behavior, the clothes you wear, or anything else.
Many people like bottoming as well as topping depending on the partner and the scenario. As a beginner, you should try both. For more bottom tips, check out our What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Bottom.
7. No Slut Shaming
There’s no place for gay slut shaming in our community. Why? Because there’s no ‘healthy’ or ‘right’ number of times to have sex. Some people need more, others less. Having sex less frequently doesn’t necessarily make one a safer partner. Getting tested for STIs regularly does.
8. It’s no one’s Business
Your sexual experiences aren’t anyone’s business. You need to tell anyone who asks that.
9. Learn From Mistakes
Maybe your first time will be less than thrilling. Or it’ll be amazing, but your partner won’t reciprocate your feelings. Learn from your mistakes – you’ll be better prepared for what the future holds.
10. Take STIs seriously
Any sex puts you at risk for STIs: HIV, gonorrhea, genital warts to name a few. Some clinics have experience working with and treating gay men. Don’t conceal any symptoms of an infection from your doctor and report anything on your body that you believe might be related to one.