Like all sex acts, it’s part technique and part passion. Here are some expert tips on how to do it well.
Everyone should eat ass in Paris. On a recent trip, a friend and I walked the city all day, then went home to shower and get ready for dinner. I found him lying on the bed, reading a French edition of The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Instead of spooning him, I told him I wanted to give him a rimjob. He nodded.
Later, we talked about it — because it’s always a good idea to talk about sex: what felt good, what didn’t, and what surprised us. That kind of conversation is part of aftercare, and it’s too often skipped.
We laughed about how rimming has become an internet joke. I mentioned that viral line from Jessica Lange in The Politician: “That’s what gays do — munch butts and celebrate Halloween!” It became a meme. But in the moment, butt munching didn’t feel like something silly. It was perfect.
As gay men, we grow up with poop jokes and a lot of shame about our bodies. To enjoy something like rimming means confronting that shame — it takes trust, curiosity, and a willingness to let go. That’s what makes a good rim job both transgressive and tender: It challenges cultural rules about what bodies are for and where pleasure belongs. On the other side of shame is joy.
A good rim job is an art. It can feel ecstatic — or awkward. Like all sex acts, it’s part technique and part passion. Here are some tips, with support from experts and medically reviewed sources, on how to do it well.
The person getting a rim job should hop in the shower first
A quick shower will probably make you and your sex partner more comfortable — and washing off the outside of your butt is hygienic. There are digestive bacteria found in the anus, as well as bugs like E. coli and Salmonella, which can make you sick — and if you are rimming vagina owners, take extra care to avoid spreading anything from the butt into the vaginal canal, as this can cause infection.
If you choose to douche before being rimmed — and some do — don’t overdo it, and take your time. Hold the water in for a few seconds, then release. Writing for VICE, Gina Tonic says that, in lieu of formal douching lessons, you can always watch Sex Education, series 2, episode 6. Tonic summarizes what the TV character Rahim explains about douching: “Squat, squirt, hold, and release.”
Douching can be done with one-time disposable enemas available in many U.S. pharmacies, but many gay men invest in a sturdier douching bulb, typically made of silicone, or even a shower hose attachment — use it on a low setting with lukewarm water, please.
But truthfully, unless you’re planning to have penetrative sex afterward and want to be clean for that, douching for rimming is unnecessary — a quick rinse on the outside of your butt and hole, with soap and water, is fine.
There are many articles online about douching and anal sex. I wrote this one for Out, which was sponsored by the gay men’s sexual health and proctology clinic Bespoke Surgical — its founder and CEO, Dr. Evan Goldstein, also started the brand Future Method, which sells medically-sanctioned douching kits and bottoming supplies that he argues are safer than products found in most sex novelty shops. (He also wrote a book on butt health, primarily for men who have sex with men.)
I also wrote this bottoming and douching guide for The Advocate, along with this two-part guide for Them. But don’t just ask me: This Healthline article, reviewed by a medical professional, is a good primer on safe douching and anal care. In slightly less sterile and more queer-friendly language, here’s a similar safety guide from the San Francisco AIDS Foundation.
If you choose to douche — for rimming or more — don’t douche too much.
In my experience, a lot of guys just don’t care that douching is unnecessary for an ass-eating session — they need the ritual to feel clean and comfortable. That’s OK.
Rectal douching shouldn’t be done too often, as it’s linked to higher rates of HIV and STI transmission, either from injury caused by unsafe douching and enema use, or because douching can cause dryness in the rectum, leading to small tears (sometimes called “fissures”). Experts aren’t fully certain why; they observe correlation, not causality. It’s clear, however, that water in the gut can upset the gut biome and cause gastrointestinal problems.
This is why I recommend all bottoms — and anyone who douches regularly — take a daily probiotic supplement. (I recommend Dr. Ohhira’s Original Formula Probiotics.)
In summary: If you’re just rimming, just take a shower. If you’re using rimming as foreplay for further anal sex, don’t rush it, and listen to your body. Discomfort, cramping, and pain are all signs to stop douching immediately. You might have to lie down on your side in the shower to release trapped water, or massage your belly to let it all out.
Pro tip: If you choose to douche, don’t start rimming directly afterward. It’s best to wait a bit so any trapped water has time to leave your system — no one wants an unexpected splash mid-session.
What you eat matters
Good gut health equals good butt health. Experts agree that diet plays a massive role in how easy (and clean) sex can be. Lean meats, fruits, vegetables, and fiber all help your body do its job naturally. The food you eat determines how gassy you are, how comfortable your stomach feels, and how regular your bowel movements are. Fiber supplements like Metamucil are highly recommended.
Overdouching often replaces what a balanced diet does more gently — letting your body handle the cleanup first.
Worse, overdouching irritates your GI system, often creating a vicious feedback loop: Irritated bowels require longer cleaning sessions to feel “done,” which further irritates your bowels. If you find that you’re consistently struggling to get clean before anal play, it’s likely something in your diet (or possibly an STI). Talk to a doctor — they might recommend keeping a food diary and trying a short-term elimination diet to identify the issue. And take a break from douching for a bit.
Want recipes and advice on low-inflammatory, bottom-friendly foods? The Bottom’s Digest by food expert Alex Hall and his husband, Mike, is a treasure trove of bottom-friendly recipes, resources, and bottoming education, primarily geared toward queer people and men who have sex with men.
Hygiene is a personal choice
Some people like things fresh-out-of-the-shower clean. Others crave the natural scent and taste of a sweaty, musky butt. There’s no right way, but if rimming is on the table, talk about your preferences with your partner first.
I’ve served ass to guys who beg me not to douche or even shower beforehand. No problem for me, but when I rim someone else, I like him to have at least a quick rinse first. It’s just personal preference. Communicating this ahead of time saves you both from awkward moments later. If you like the same thing, great. If you don’t, no sweat — there are plenty of other ways to have fun.
Sex is best when everyone feels comfortable — which means respecting preferences without judgment.
Use your tongue
Explore patterns, shapes, and rhythms with your tongue, and alternate between the butthole and the hypersensitive area around it. Use your breath — cool exhales, warm sighs — to tease and heighten sensation.
Unsurprisingly, there are many articles warning readers about the risks of rimming — but almost none about how to do it well. Thankfully, there’s this very horny piece in LA Weekly by Sam Phillips. Phillips advises: “Use your tongue. Lay it flat to lick, flick, rub, and push against the general backside region, or you can make it stiff and hard to penetrate, probe, tap, and trace the anal rim.”
I like to flatten my tongue and just wipe up, like I’m cleaning him off — like a lioness cleaning her cub.
But, it’s not all about the tongue
It’s not just about licking. Variety is key. Phillips writes: “Use your lips. Kiss and suck the asshole, taint, inner thighs, crack of the ass, buttocks, lower back, and the back of the legs.”
I second that: just like with a mouth, I like to start with gentle lip kisses and slowly work my tongue in — before diving.
You can involve other parts of your body, too.
Just as I did in Paris: “Use your hands and fingers. Probe the rectum and pull apart the butt cheeks. You also can reach around from behind and fondle the front genitals,” writes Phillips.
A light beard or stubble can add texture, though some partners might find it too rough. If you’re unsure whether your partner likes what you’re doing, ask. It’s hot to be asked what feels good — it shows care and attention.
If your partner enjoys it, gentle suction or light pressure from teeth can add contrast, but never bite or chew. The skin around the anus is thin and delicate. Think soft, teasing movements, not aggression.
Don’t focus only on the butthole. The surrounding skin, taint, and cheeks are full of nerve endings that deserve attention. Rimming works best when you explore the whole area, not just one spot.
Get in position
If the missionary position is the staple of p-in-v sex, doggy style is the holy grail for rimmers. “It’s comfortable, you get a good view of what you’re up to, and plenty of space to touch elsewhere,” writes Tonic.
My favorite position for rimming isn’t quite doggy style: I like him to lie down fully flat, on his belly. I gently slide my arms under his groin until his hips rest on my forearms and my face is fully immersed in ass. From that position, I can reach my hands around to pull apart his cheeks if I want to get deeper — and he can just lie back and enjoy it.
Be risk-aware
Rimming carries some risk of transmitting infections like hepatitis A, gonorrhea, or herpes. Freddie, a Canadian organization committed to competent sexual health for queer people, offers helpful primers on a range of topics — including a list of STIs that can be transmitted through rimming.
One important thing to note: HIV is not transmitted through rimming, whether you’re giving or receiving.
Dental dams exist for protection, though many people skip them. The best safety measure is regular STI testing and honest communication. Men who have sex with men who have multiple sex partners should get STI screenings more often — the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends every three to six months.
Pleasure and responsibility can — and must — coexist.
A little grooming goes a long way
Trimming or shaving around the area can make things smoother — literally. It also prevents getting a butt hair caught in someone’s teeth. Trimming or shaving isn’t required, but I prefer rimming a buzzed butt.
Go slow, use gentle shaving cream or gel, and if possible, ask your partner to help. Just be careful: Nicks in that area are not fun. Pro tip: The Philips OneBlade trimmer has a guard for body grooming designed to prevent nicks.
Another pro tip: Many guys use hair removal creams, also called depilatories. (Nair is a common brand.) These work, but they tend to burn and irritate the delicate tissue around the anus. I used to use them and don’t anymore for this reason: They can actually make the rim job (or whatever comes next) painful afterward.
Just let go
Rimming needs auditory feedback — after all, the rimmer can’t see the person they’re rimming very well.
Dirty talk is great with rimming — and, believe it or not, here’s a medically reviewed guide about bringing more dirty talk into the bedroom without crossing boundaries or breaking consent.
A moan, a breath, a groan, a gasp, or just a small movement tells your partner everything they need to know. Don’t hold back. Get loud and enjoy it.
Just a heads up!
My name is Alexander Cheves. I write about sex, feelings, music, and men. You can read my column Last Call in Out Magazine, along with my digital advice column, Go Ask Alex. If you have a question, send it to askbeastly@gmail.com.
My book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions is an erotic memoir told through a series of literary essays, weaving explicit personal experience with meditations on identity, intimacy, and the body. It was a bestseller and won the 2022 Geoff Mains Nonfiction Prize from NLA International. Kirkus Reviews called it “not for squeamish readers.” Get it everywhere books are sold.
With queer sex education increasingly censored online, this piece aims to provide sex-positive, shame-free, queer-inclusive advice—drawn from my own experience and from expert input. The views expressed here are my own. The information is for general education and entertainment, and is not intended as a substitute for professional or medical guidance.
