Don’t know the first thing about cruising? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered!
Cruising has a long and storied history in the gay community — hooking up with a stranger in the woods or picking someone up in a bathhouse is a fantasy many of us want to experience at least once — but in an era of Grindr, Sniffies, and other gay hookup apps, the art of cruising is in danger of being lost.
Which means that if you’re a baby gay, newly out bisexual man, or just a newbie to cruising, you might not know how to make the most of covertly searching for men to have sex with, and more importantly, how to do it safely.
That’s where our experts come in. To find out what to do if you’re nervous, what the risks are, and tips for making the most of your erotic experience, we talked to Leo Herrera, a queer Mexican artist and author of the cruising manual (analog) Cruising; Zachary Zane, Grindr’s Sex and Relationships Expert and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto; and Kai Korpak, queer sex therapist and assistant director of training and wellness at Best Therapies.
It’s ok to feel nervous before cruising
Feeling nervous before your first time or hundredth time cruising is completely normal. The important thing is that you learn the difference between your intuition telling you something is wrong, and nerves before an exhilarating — and sometimes a little risky — experience. “I’ve been to many saunas and sex-positive gatherings and still get butterflies in my stomach before I go in, or sometimes I even try to talk myself out of it,” Herrera tells PRIDE. “When I started cruising for the first time, I had lots of false starts and changing my mind. The nerves are natural, but it’s also important to differentiate when it’s good nerves or our intuition telling us we may not be ready, or that something feels ‘off’ or unsafe.”
The good thing is that if it’s run-of-thi-mill nervous energy, that can just increase the eroticism of the moment. “Nervousness can manifest in the body pretty similarly to sexual arousal (e.g., elevated heart rate, rapid breathing, dilated pupils, hormonal surge), and so many people actually like feeling a little nervous or afraid sexually,” Zane says. “It can enhance the intensity of the sexual experience.”
What are the main risks to consider when cruising?
While cruising is undoubtedly fun and sexy, there are risks involved that you should be aware of before you go seeking guys out in a locker room, public restroom, bathhouse, or in the park. From the kind of STI risks that come with any anonymous sexual encounter to concerns about being arrested for indecent exposure or public indecency to the risk of sexual assault, cruising can be dangerous.
“Depending on if you are cruising in a public space such as the woods or a park, the presence of police is a risk to consider,” Korpak says. “Physical health risks such as STIs if safer sex practices are not utilized. Cruising can also stir up emotional risks, especially if someone feels shame or isolation afterward.”
Having casual, often anonymous, sexual encounters with strangers is always going to come with some risk, but while that can be part of the fun, you should avoid it if the personal risk is too high. “When cruising, you’re hooking up with strangers, which always comes with safety risks,” Zane says. “A fun afternoon should never come at the cost of personal safety, or an indecent exposure charge.”
How can those risks be mitigated?
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You can’t completely get rid of the risks when you’re engaging in behavior that is by definition risky, but there are ways to mitigate them. Not only are you going to want to protect yourself from STIs by using condoms, testing regularly, and taking Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) and Doxy-PEP, but you’re also going to want to be careful about using party drugs, and learn the art of cruising so that you get good at all of the nonverbal cues.
“The key to safer cruising is reading the room,” Zane says. “The line between private and public cruising spaces can get blurry, and not everywhere is the perfect spot. When getting started with cruising, it’s best to put on your slutty little glasses and do your research before. May I suggest heading to your nearest gayborhood to get the inside scoop, or practice at your favorite go-to gay bar?”
You’ll also want to carefully select the places you cruise to minimize the risk of being arrested. “We also have to take into consideration the risks of being in certain spaces, as we saw with the cruising arrests at Penn Station,” Herrera explains. “Different spaces, especially public ones, will have different legal risks and surveillance.”
Hookup apps vs cruising in person
Hookup apps have become ubiquitous in recent years, with Grindr and Sniffies being the most common and popular options. Zane loves Grindr’s “Right Now” feature, which gives you a real-time feed of people looking to hook up near you, where people can post photos and descriptions of what they’re looking for moment by moment. “So you can see when and even where folks may be cruising,” Zane says. “And these people, as the feature suggests, are looking to hook up ‘right now,’ not plan for later in the week.”
Korpak recommends using Sniffies, Scruff, Growlr, Recon, and Grindr to find hookups online, but keep in mind that there are risks that people are misrepresenting themselves or trying to scam you. You are also less likely to make a genuine connection than you would in a well-known in-person cruising spot like a bathhouse or gay bar with a back room. “Established cruising spots are designed with safety and consent in mind while also being more discrete while also having a safe space to explore,” he says. “People don’t just ‘find themselves’ in a bathhouse, so you are safe to assume they are wanting to be there. This helps reduce the risks that can come up with meeting strangers in more open public spaces.”
Herrera also prefers to keep things solidly in the real world and out of the apps, in part because of the privacy risks associated with them, and partially because of what you might be missing out on by not seeking people out in the real world. “If you get used to a frictionless experience, of telling an app exactly what you are into, of checking boxes for body types, or sex acts, and now allowing AI to step in and fill in blanks, you will miss out on discovering things about yourself that only real-time, human interactions can show you,” he warns. “You may be into different body types or sex scenes you had no idea. I’ve had many of my own preferences revealed to me in the spontaneous moments when cruising.”
Tips for cruising safely:
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1. Verify identity
Before you meet up with someone you picked up on an app, verify who they are. “Don’t meet up with someone unless they have sent you a face picture,” Korpak says.
2. Tell a friend
It may seem obvious, but make sure a trusted friend knows what’s going on before you meet up with a stranger. “Sending a trusted friend a picture of the other person you are meeting up with and any location details if you are meeting up with them at a place that is not your home,” Korpak recommends.
3. Trust your gut
Listen to your instincts and back out if something feels off. “If something feels off, it probably is. Your gut knows when your body’s saying no,” Zane says.
4. Keep your identity safe
Don’t use your real phone number or personal social media accounts when you’re cruising online. “Have a separate number, such as a google voice number or alternate social media account to give to people that can prove you are who you say you are without having to ‘out’ yourself,” Korpak says. And if you’re cruising in person, don’t give the guy your name or any details about your job or private life. It’ll keep you anonymous and “mystery is sexy and smart,” Zane says.
5. Beware of scams
In this day and age, you always have to be on the lookout for scams. “If someone tries to ask for even more info or tries to get you to message them off the app, be mindful that it may be a scam, especially if they ask for a credit card number,” Korpak says.
6. Know your exits
Pay attention to your surroundings, and figure out how you would leave if things go south. “Always have a plan to bounce if things get weird and make sure you actually can,” Zane says.
7. Read the room
If you are cruising in person, you want to pick your spot carefully. “Not every space is fair game,” Zane warns. “Pay attention to cues, signage, and consent. Public lewdness charges are never hot.”
8. Practice safe sex
Condoms, PrEP, and DoxyPEP, and regular STI testing are a must if you’re into cruising and anonymous sex.
9. Be careful with party drugs
If you’re planning to partake in illegal substances, make sure you’re doing it as smartly and safely as possible. Don’t take so much that you aren’t aware of your surroundings, and don’t mix drugs. “A GHB overdose, or mixing poppers and erectile medications, can put not only you at risk, but the space and gathering itself,” Herrera says. “So harm reduction is crucial.”
10. Leave valuables behind
If you’re worried it could get lost or stolen, don’t bring it with you to a park or bathhouse you’re planning to go cruising at. “Keep the expensive clothing and jewelry at home where it is safe and not susceptible to getting lost or stolen,” Korpak says.
11. Pick your clothes carefully
You want to give the person you’re about to hook up with easy access, and you don’t want to have cumbersome or hard-to-remove items, especially if you are looking for some semi-public sex. “Wear something that can be taken off, and on easily,” Korpak recommends. “Having looser jogging shorts or pants with a button fly can make taking clothing off more discreet and less difficult.”
Tips for cruising successfully:
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1. Learn the art of cruising
Zane says that you’ll have the best experience if you learn the ins and outs of cruising culture by reading a book like Herrera’s (analog) Cruising manual. “There’s a sorta script for it, where you make extended eye contact,” he explains. “If they look at you, holding your eye contact as you walk by, you turn around. If they turn around and give you a little smirk, then you should follow them wherever they’re going, so you two can hook up.”
2. Learn to read body language
Learning to read the body language of gay men, especially in the context of cruising, may take a little time, but it will be well worth the effort, and really is much simpler than you’d think. “A lot of cruising relies on body language and less spoken words,” Korpak says. “For example making eye contract with someone is generally a sign you are interested in cruising them. If you make eye contact with someone and they are interested they may look at your crotch or grab their own.”
3. Know your boundaries
The sex will be even better, and you’re less likely to have a bad experience or post-nut regrets if you know your boundaries and are upfront about them. “Sticking to your boundaries will keep you safe and lead to a sexually fulfilling time without doing something you are not wanting or ready for,” Korpak says.
4. Don’t look for validation
Make sure you’re in the right headspace and not trying to use a quick hookup to fix the emotional pain you’re in. Do it because you want to have a fun and exhilarating sexual experience, not to repair your mental health. “If you are looking for unhealthy validation, such as trying to recover from a broken heart, or in a depressive episode, cruising can pose different, unexpected risks and prolong healing,” Herreras explains.
5. Have supplies handy
Don’t leave home without lube and condoms. “The last thing you want to have happen is be just about to do the act and find out you aren’t prepared,” Korpak says.
6. Pick the right place
You can’t cruise everywhere, so make sure you are picking places like bathhouses or gay bars. “Stay aware of the context you are in, don’t rely to heavily on apps to provide connection or safety, and treat cruising as something best done in environments that are created for it such as bathhouses and gay bars with a ‘back room,’” Korpak recommends.
7. Feel free to just watch
Interested in cruising, but you’d rather watch than participate directly? That’s ok too. “Voyeurism or watching others is a big part of cruising culture,” Korpak says. “In cruising spaces, consent still always applies even if you are in a public space. If you are watching make sure the others are giving signals that they want to be watched.”
8. Don’t be reckless
It’s fine to let your guard down a little and live in the moment, but if you want to have the best experience possible, have fun without being totally reckless. “Cruising should be fun and sexy, not reckless,” Zane says. “Stay smart, stay safe, and remember the hottest encounters are the ones where everyone walks away smiling.”
Sources cited:
Leo Herrera, a queer Mexican artist and author of the cruising manual (analog) Cruising.
Zachary Zane, a queer sex and relationship columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto.
Kai Korpak, queer sex therapist and assistant director of training and wellness at Best Therapies.
